There is an essay up at “Yahoo Finance” entitled “When She Makes More Money Than He” that might have made my skin crawl on another day, but tonight, for reasons I can’t explain, I’m sort of impressed by the fact that the author is willing to spill his guts on this subject. I could write a long and detailed post about why he shouldn’t feel threatened just because his wife earns more than he does, but he feels how he feels. Here is an excerpt:
Once my wife’s bigger paychecks started rolling in, her routine household reminders started sounding like orders to me. My wife sensed resistance, which struck her as sudden and senseless. She was hurt.
Meanwhile, her success at work brought lots of travel and late nights. She felt she needed to manage the house while away. But I had things under control and felt her calls to quiz me on the kids’ whereabouts smacked of mistrust. So it was my turn to be hurt.
We joke now about giving orders and passing pop quizzes. But things might not be so funny if we hadn’t talked honestly about the surprising stress that came with her greater earning power.
The following strategies helped us work through the strain. If you’re dealing with a financial role reversal, they may help you too.
Talk, talk, talk
Communicating how you feel about the changes brought on by the shift in earning power is critical. My wife and I take several long walks together every week, giving us a valuable block of talk time free from distraction.
The walks began purely as exercise. But over the years we’ve conducted a lot of family business during this time. We’ve planned parties and bought houses.
Lately we’ve worked through the logistics and emotions of her soaring career. If you don’t talk about your feelings, they’re more likely to manifest in depression, withdrawal, aggression or blame.
Listen to your words for a clue.
Husbands, do you devalue her accomplishments? (“You make a lot of money, but you’re never home.”)
Do you undercut her family connections? (“I had to decide; you don’t have time.”)
Wives, do you undermine his provider instincts? (“I’ll buy it with my money.”) Or devalue his work? (“Maybe you should get another job.”)
If that bugs you, sorry! But if it is of interest, read the whole thing here.
–Ann Bartow
Update: Over at Pandagon, Amanda Marcotte reacts to this more negatively, and makes, I admit, some very astute observations.
I did find it of interest, if only because my wife earns well over 4x what I do, a fact that doesn’t bother me, but the few times others have learned of it they seem (rather too) taken aback. She controls the checkbook and I do not have any credit cards as a result, but that’s fine with me, my only vice being an inordinate fondness for books, which she kindly indulges provided I publish something now and again. She knows I love teaching (supplemented by another part-time job) and is willing to essentially support me so I don’t have to return to the construction trades (where I worked as a carpenter for many years). And being neurotic, I do help keep the household up although I’m sure I could do a bit more if I put my books down more often. And I admit to having felt guilty for a time, but she reassured me there was no reason for it. Perhaps she’s been so accommodating because her mother, who worked as a nurse for over 40 years, always made more money than her father, who was a high school teacher, and they’ve had a wonderful marriage for over 50 years now.
Like the essayist, you seem to have a pretty good handle on the issues and how you feel about them, which is a very good thing indeed.
The same advice for money/power differentials in relationships without the gendered essentialism would have been nice.
David, I agree with you in principle, but one thing I’ve been pondering in a different context is allowing people the space to say what they are thinking and feeling even though it is not the “correct” way to think or feel. The essayist is a gender essentializer, no question, but reading about how he thinks about the issues is interesting to me, even though his advice is certainly tainted by the essentializing. I hope that makes sense. But you are right, and as I said, on a different day I might have reacted to that more negatively too. I read the essay after having a long conversation with someone about this book: http://www.beacon.org/productdetails.cfm?SKU=4345 and that influenced my reaction to the essay somewhat.