Where Wings Take Dream

Over a year ago (in this post) I noted that in my pre-law-professor life I often worked odd jobs to make extra money. For a while I was part of a team that traveled to a series of churches and community centers to interview people about health and beauty aids on behalf of the large corporation that manufactured and marketed them. I did consumer research on the way people reacted to toothbrushes, deodorant, mouthwashes, lipstick, pain relievers, and for one ponderously long interval of time, sanitary napkins. My job was to talk women into wearing a particular brand of sanitary napkin, and then get them to agree to return the following day to answer an invasive series of questions about how wearing it made them feel, and yes, it was just as squicky as it sounds, but the women did get paid for their trouble. At first we offered twenty dollars, but got few takers. Even when the”honorarium”got boosted to $50, many women were squeamish about the idea, and it took a great deal of persuasion to get them to agree to participate, and I had a quota to meet, so I’ll always love the women who, after the honorarium was mentioned, said things like:”For fifty dollars, I’ll wear it stuck to my head for you! Even if it has wings!”

I don’t know where all that market research went wrong, but sanitary napkin manufacturers do not seem to understand their customers at all. Feminist law prof Caitlin Borgmann noted recently: “My favorite always was the patronizing,”Kotex Understands,”on my panty liners – as though some big, undoubtedly male-populated profit-making corporation could really”understand”what my periods are like. Or like I would even want them to. Ick! Just give me the damn pads and stay out of it.”

And for some reason “Always” is now using the slogan: “Have a Happy Period!” This is not going over too well with some consumers. Recently a friend sent me a link to this post recounting a letter to a company representative, which says in pertinent part:

… As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you f***ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness — “actual smiling, laughing happiness” — is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Undaunted, “Always” boasts a “beinggirl” website, via which you can send “Have a Happy Period” e-cards like this:

I’m trying to picture the circumstances under which I would ever contemplate sending one of these. Or how I would react to receiving one from a student.

–Ann Bartow