However, if you and/or your husband have used that phrase in the past where she is included in the We, shes not mishearing you/he are misspeaking. Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. Hed ask me what Im doing for the weekend and when i started to tell him a selection of my actual plans hed cut me off while I was talking to make fun of how boring or lame I am or some other stupid comment. I live in a face culture, so saving the face of the invitee who wants to turn your invitation down is very important. Reply with 'Hey' Back. Men who constantly try to manipulate women into doing all their emotional labor is a ridiculously huge problem in American culture right now. Not always). Its tiring. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. Which is honest at least. For an acquaintance, depends. Person A: Im fine. Thats a way it can work, certainly, but why is it magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with no input if the person who first said lets hang out is then suggesting a time or activity, but something other than magically guessing if the person who first said lets hang out and is told yeah, we should is the one saying Saturdays are good for me, how about you? or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther? While we're sure there are plenty more things people do for fun, these are some good hobbies to mention: Outdoors activities like rock climbing, hiking, cycling, etc. Lead with the actual invitation. I get tempted to make stuff up like join the circus or sky diving or whatnot. I have to say that I get and have come to dread the variant Are we doing anything Saturday from my mom, who will use it to mean anything from I havent seen you in DAYS and I want to do something with you but dont want to impose by actually asking to I have received an invitation to something but dont want to desert you. (Im a lady dating ladies btw, if thats relevant, though I have also dated men before and my experience is definitely colored by some of the emotional labor / potential gender-related danger issues some of the commenters pointed out thats spot on). What are the usual scripts? But most of all, thats my time with my kids, and Ive realized that Im missing it. I am fond of: Oh, you know how it is. 2. Before people jump on this as reading too much into the situation, I want to point out that at in many, many cultures (I actually work on related research so Im familiar with a lot of academic studies on the topic), the preferred way to refuse a request for help is apology+reason e.g. If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. Developed with the most common customer inquiries in mind, these responses give customer service reps the power to represent your brand with uniformity, accuracy, and speed. My own mother STILL phrases things the way she did when I was a teen like, How would you like to take out the garbage? well, I wouldnt LIKE to take out the garbage at all! Is this just aimless small-talk? Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. So mostly I just want the question to go away lol, but since, as the Captain said, thats not likely to happen any time soon, I thought Id try to learn some better ways to navigate it, and again, all of your responses have been extremely helpful! (via Shutterstock) 7. Opposite of what I want . I have a colleaguestraight white well-employed middle-class-raised Christian cis man, so about as privileged as you can get in Americawho opts out of a lot of what he considers to be optional social stuff. Here are some fun things to do on weekends: Get Moving 1. Her dad would not agree with a move to force her to move out. It avoids (in their mind) making the person feel pressured to commit if they dont actually want to. They know this. I have a couple of friends/acquaintances(sp? Why not set up a rent in dollars or set hours of work, and have done? TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? Why do I feel entitled to her assistance with something I am doing for her grandmother & grandfather while she sits in her room and plays Minecraft? "That is very thoughtful of you, it was a nice weekend.". To me, thats pretty manipulative and when its done I generally conclude that its done on purpose. in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. Hi / hello + [thing I want to talk about] can almost seem too abrupt in that context, particularly among peers. my mother does this. Can't complain. @IndoorCatI appreciate your comments. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. In that case, if they have already said theyre free, they might feel trapped into saying yes; I know I would. Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. If its someone from work that I have no personal relationship with, then Any plans this weekend? just sounds like office small talk, the forward-looking version of How was your weekend? If its someone I know personally, then Are you doing anything tomorrow? sounds like a way to try to trick me into agreeing to do something not-fun (because if it was fun, theyd ask outright). This suitable during the Halloween period. Thinking of seeing [movie]. Thats my go-to when someone asks me what I am doing at some point in the near future. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. Instead of saying: "I had a cheeky wine in the garden" Say: "I partook in an al fresco wine tasting. Things have a funny way of working out. Why do you ask? Its a polite way of communicating WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I can ask them on Monday how it was. And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. its BANK HOLIDAY?. Ive had a fear of seeming bossy or overbearing, but Ive found in the past few years that people really seem to appreciate someone getting the ball rolling. The vague redirect is also a standard, recognized move. Part of why Im asking is I just plain find it baffling that parents do this, though the consequences loom large enough. Also it varies on friend one friend, if I ask him if hes free Friday, we both understand that means beer and movies until the early hours, by default. Yak shaving is a programming term, although Ive also seen it in other contexts. I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. What works for you? And Im sorry for that. I personally feel really pressured by the question simply because it puts me in the position of having to say yes or no before I even know what Im saying yes or no to. Vacuuming the cat or shaving the yak* or something. The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. Me: Working. Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. Its just in the past year or so that its cropped up repeatedly, with different people at different establishments. So when I get a what are you doing after work Friday? text halfway through work on Thursday just tell me what youre going to suggest in the same message. "Yes, the weekend always . And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. Im glad its not a way to get rid of someone/blow them off without saying so. I get that youre saying you dont do this often and you see it as a minor part of your relationship. ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. BUT! friend/person/both: Im in the worst fucking mood and heres why. Luckily my husband is a Mega Introvert as well (sometimes more than me) and understands my feelings. The same old answers get boring, so you should try a little bit of humor at times because you might make someone laugh instead of feeling awkward. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. Its the same here. I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. Three-day weekends would be perfect if they were just four days longer. a s h l e y. Justit can be a lot sometimes. Interesting. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! Kind of a random revelation after reading everyones advice and responses: I think this is up for me right now because Im new to the online dating world and, because of my past experience with my family, I am having a hard time telling if the question is of the innocuous kind (like when co-workers ask my plans for the weekend), a soft opening to trying to ask me out, or the kind of manipulation that Ive, for better or for worse, learned to be on alert for. I was taught that if you are actually inviting people for something, its rude to do it by asking them what theyre doing that night first, because it traps them without a believable excuse for saying no. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. K- keep a distance from work. Ive realized that people sometimes ask this question to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell you all about their exciting weekend plans. I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? I shall think on why. Lets do it.). As in, What are you doing? is another way of asking What are your hobbies?. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. I like why do you ask? as a pre-programmed autoresponse, because it leaves room for them to stay, just wondering if you have fun plans, or making conversation.. Me: yes! or no, sorry. No more Did I say sunday I meant saturday, now you have to change all your weekend plans ever again. (Full disclosure: Whole in-law family are control freaks and this type of thing IS a setup with them. She gets what crowds people like and is on point with inviting me to the right events. They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. My go-to refusal of any invitation is I have other plans, and nobody needs to know whether my other plans are a work thing I cant get out of or a fun evening out or painting my toenails in front of Netflix. This is how I deal with it: What are you up to this weekend? At least once I figured out that they genuinely *didnt* need to know anything about me if they were going to behave that way I could default to oh my god Im so busy! Just looking for my phonehave you seen it? When exercising the advantages of a perceived difference in class or power, however, refraining from using or responding how are you? is an old patrician tactic designed to keep the interlocutor in her place. In ways that I doubt he even always notices. Funnily enough, my co-workers are also doing laundry. Ive never found it made any difference at all for invitations its not like I told them how much time each activity Im doing will require or what other boring chores I will also be doing. Its just small talk! Like I also find whatre you doing this weekend to be pretty normal but also can feel very intrusive, but if I had people in my life like the LWs who were using it to try to make me do things I didnt want to do while making it seem like they were not making me do things itd get to be a really irritating and hair-trigger question pretty fast. what are you doing?. If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. And because family members pitch in. I mean, they might not vote for an actual white supremist, but that belief is definitely lurking there (like, even if they dont vote for an out-and-out white supremist, they still have the belief that white people are leadership material than poc); and they might not say these things to your face, but they will do/say things that prop up model minority nonsense (eg, anti-Blackness in the presence of other racial minorities) and are nice only as long as you stay in your place and dont challenge them as long as you dont call them out or challenge their perception of what poc can do, as in your example. I really need to catch up on some sleep this weekend. That way they know Im not going to be up for a 7 am hike, or a 9am brunch, but if they wanted to do an early happy hour Im probably going to be up for it. I think theres a frustratingI dont know what to call it, but adding monetary transaction to a relationship doesnt always make it better. I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. I might be up for casual after work hangs but not going clubbing in that sketchy bar across town. To put it another way, I guess: this is such a normal way to open a conversation that being annoyed by it means that you will be annoyed by a wide variety of people, forever. DP: As you know, [ note, I do not know ] I need someone to [ renew my library book | paint my bathroom | walk my parakeet | clean my cat litter ] and I hoped you might help. Folding the dishes. Just wow. 3. Thats just the question it looks like. See also: people who wont pick a restaurant, when the answer to every question is whatever you want.***. If an acquaintance asks How are you? and I answer and ask back like I do at home, am I way off? So, sometimes it is a trap! "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. Also: owning that I dont always have to say yes Im getting there! In the UK, most encounters respond with fine/good/grand, how are you?, In formal encounters, respond with how are you?. Good enough. It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. There are a couple of questions my Mother asks that trigger a Pavlovian eye-roll from me because I know they are invariably followed by a request for a favor, to the point where if someone else asks me the same question in a totally innocuous way, I still react to it. But sometimes that comes across as I just dont want to, and thats pretty hurtful. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) Im also annoyed by these questions! But its also true I can (usually) reorganize my schedule enough to accommodate plans I want to attend. But I think its disingenuous? 4. I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. At least Im bright enough to stay out of the control panel and remember my passwords. That way your daughter can organize her time (which is an important adult skill) and gets some input on what is a chore and how important it is (which allows her to build other adult skills) and she wont get interrupted that much (which to you doesnt feel that way but her story looks probably very different). Maybe actually I am just dealing with one of those people who force you to be blunt. When we nearly got evicted from our housing situation, I was critically busy trying to find an apartment for me and the housemates, and it kind of annoyed me to have friends pinging me like Heyyy, I miss you, can we get lunch this week, without finding out if I was actually available first. Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. All five are information-seeking: listen closely, and you will learn something about that person's life, character, and ideas. I sympathize with their reasons for having trouble planning, but I also do find it a little irksome that they only initiate actual plans once a year for their birthday while still making all the sounds about wanting to hang out. its differential equations, 2. I love this response: not sure what Ill be in the mood for. What sounds good on Wednesday is not always what I want to do on Saturday. Sorry about that! Answer vaguely. I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. Once upon a time I had a friend. I dont remember why anymore but at some point I agreed to share my google calendar with this friend. I think the idea at first was to make it easier to plan hangouts. Thanks! When I have no plans I tend to respond with some variant of Just chilling, and then if the person offers something that I want to do, I can decide its more fun than chilling, but if I dont want to do it, then its been a long week and I just really need that chill time, you know? 13 "It was so relaxing. Can we not with passing judgement on the validity of the LWs feelings about this phrase? I went to a lot of meetings I did not want to go because of this, cause I pretty much was cornered into it after admitting I have not set plans.. But I like to think that Im better at saying no now, even though people do sometimes react badly. I think this is an expected thing for women to do. This reminds me of a post the Captain did on Freeing Yourself from Constant Contact with people calling all the time. You could just ask. And found myself saying yes more often than I wanted to. As I stated above, it can even affect quality of healthcare and employment opportunities. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). With colleagues especially, Im not looking to hang out just looking to connect on something, find out what they like about, get to know them better. Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. you said you had no plans! you into babysitting or helping them with yardwork, they just want to ask you a fun, low-stakes question. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? Thank you. Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. I do have a preference for having the What are you up to Friday? question asked first though because I appreciate that they want to respect my schedulewhenever I book hangs with my good friends, we let each other know what blocks of time are going to be rough to fit each other into and know not to ping them too much during those times. Sorry, Im busy. Sometimes, it's good to be a little silly and fun! Him: Good. (Rememberif she had specific other plans, thats a reasonable excuse. It doesnt actually mean how are you? in the same way that goodbye does not actually mean God be with you. What it means is, I acknowledge you, fellow human being. In some ways, its helpful to think of it not as a phrase but as a pair of words: how-are-you, fine-thanks-and-you. Oh, such discerning eyes. I used this to train my mom to use text/email instead, because 1) I hate phone and 2) a written message means much less chances of either one of us getting the details wrong. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. My cousins with kids are trying to push their 8-12 year olds on me to tutor them and Im like 1. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. *I have some sympathy for her, in that Ive seen how this is gendered in our culture, of women being trained not to ask for what they want/need (possibly more than in western cultures? Me: Nope. And we do have fun and hang out occasionally. This business of judging what another adult does with their leisure hours (with the obvious caveat that they harm no one) is bad enough, but insisting on the right to interrupt that time to set another adult extra chores is unreasonable in most circumstances, and not good for anybody. I dont know many people who issue we should hang out soon with the expectation that the recipient is then supposed to plan an event if they agree? The second part of this is being okay evaluating the specific invitations and turning them down if you dont want to do them. (FWIW, Im not that extreme myself. Explain yourself; dont make me drag it out of you. With friends, I might have the motive of finding time to hang, but often its just to find something to talk about. There were several problems that led to the death of that relationship, but communication (on both sides) was for sure one of them. Mild office small talk is fine with me, and I have a few coworkers who may become friends. (If they didnt mean an invitation) My go-to script for these (which I HATE) is an equally noncommittal, Why, whats up? Im not saying I do or dont have plans, but Im going to figure out why theyre asking me the question. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? "Great, thanks for asking" is a generic response that you can use when you receive a "how's your day going" message. I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. That would have been a really frightening prospect for me. Jackpot! Ask back? Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. I wanted to stayyou can make why do you ask? be a friendly lineand you probably should. Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. I mountain bike every weekend! Good, the colors on the leaves are amazing (in Fall) Do you know the meaning of the weekend? Your friends and family will get off the phone with you and wonder why they aren't grabbing life by the horns the way you are. It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. You don't want to end up like your crazy aunt who keeps asking you the same question during every holiday dinner. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. No.. You (if you are not up for it, whether the reason is actual business or not wanting to at all) oh, I wish I could I wish that just once I had the wherewithal to respond to a manipulative invitation like LW describes with the classic Phoebe Buffet line: Oh, I wish I could, but I dont want to.. Throwing another vote in for a friendly Why? or Why, whats up? Assuming I like them, I usually say it with a smile or an inviting tone. or are you busy?). Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly.